So many times I have felt and seen failure in my life. So many times I have thought to my self "why could I have just shut up then?” Failure is what I had/have been feeling for a long time. Recently talking to one of my classmates about my problems in life, she told me I was a fighter. I didn’t’t get it and it totally threw me off. She said to me`` I would have ever guessed that you were going through so much pain. You always seem so strong and happy, when whenever I came to you with my problems you helped me fix them totally, you told me to look to the bright side. You always put your self last, even if it meant giving up a lot of time or stuff that was important. And I guess I would take my hat off to you, because you would push through the day and not show anything, even if you’ve had the roughest night. “ I was speechless… so I used my simple reply. “Umm okay..?” The next thing she said was a totally shocker “ You’re a fighter. I’ve never seen you give up.” How can she see that in me? When I can’t even picture that in myself? Is it wrong to let the world only see one side of me? Because when I look at myself, I see this girl that afraid of a lot of things, a girl that is confused, a girl that wants to break down and cry, a girl that’s failed so many times, a girl that feels like giving up so often, a girl that hides from the world behind smiles, a girl that pushes people away.
For a few years I have been helping teaching at VBS, every so often I would here the words “ I want to be just like you when I grow up.” AH! not only there but at my grade school, church and other places too. What do they see in me that makes me so special? Maybe the person I am when I forget my problems for a little while, maybe they see the person I can sometimes be? One of the things that adds stress is knowing that little kids, who have there whole life’s to live, look up to me. Watching carefully what you do, say, how you act, its what they see, and how they want to be. A little while ago, this guy my age was questioning my faith. He’s like to me “your perfect, I never can be.” It took a while to explain that I wasn’t near perfect, or ever would be. Later on in that day, I got frustrated and said some non positive things about my work. His reply was “ I thought you were a Christian, but I guess Christians are the same as everyone else.” AH! FAIL!
Someday I want to have my own family, my own house, my own kids. Im scared of making mistakes, not being able to take care and manage a family. Lord willing some day I will have my own kids, yea they will be young and grow up. I’m scared that I might mess up someday and do something or say something dumb, and they will learn from that. AH! Why do I feel like a failure so often? I know that I have this super bad habit of blaming myself, sometimes I guess I need to realize that no one perfect, that we all are sinful. I guess life will be like that, but sometimes you’ve got to realize we are born sinfully, and not perfect. That no one’s perfect, even if they seem perfect…and that someday you will be perfect. One good thing about failing is that at the end of the day you can look back on your mistakes and learn from them. Learn how to not do it again, and sometimes it might take a few times over of that mistake, but eventually you will learn. And if there is something about life, something that you struggle with, pray about it. God is always there. This takes me back to my favourite verse. Matt 11:28-31“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” We can cast all our troubles on God, our struggles, things we need help on. And He is always there (: anyways.. its getting late..